All about being Happy :)

It had been a very long time since I blogged. So many things worth mentioning have happened but words don’t come when I actually sit down to write a post. Firstly, I would like to wish every body a very happy new year 2009. This had been my first New Year eve after I turned 12 years old where I have slept peacefully. Didn’t made any big plans, most of my friends are fragmented across different places. Unfortunately my brother too had a night work shift that day, so I was alone at home and didn’t find any thing better to do than to sleep. And I succeeded in doing what I am best at :).

For some time I feel like giving up every damn thing as what’s the point and purpose of doing some thing. I am getting bored very easily. Not getting much enthu to read books either. Every body says there is life beyond job and relationships – which I don’t understand and I totally gave up on these fronts. I am a big idiot when it comes to the matter of relationships and in job- I had good and bad phase. And also learnt that no job is good nor bad. Every job is perceptional. If you love what you do, it’s the end of it, cos it gives a very satisfying experience as some thing to look forward to life. My life at work is too chill, so unable to keep myself busy. Whenever I feel so desperate and frustrated I sense some opportunity knocking me to do some thing new and afresh – some thing to look forward to in life. I don’t understand why life is this way as we need to try and put effort to do some thing to derive happiness and this happiness is in bits and pieces. Why we can’t have all the happiness in one go.

When I sense some opportunity, as in some thing to look forward to, and accomplishing it gives me a high and makes me feel happy. For example I made a disciplined and determined effort to attend fitness classes regularly and in last 1 month I lost 4 kilos weight. It made me feel lean and happy. Apart from these small things through which I derive happiness, I always question why I should do some thing. When I was in college I had minimal interest in acads, I always argued with my mom that its boring to do some thing I am not interested in. Mom always asked me to sit in first bench and listen what teacher says and study well like a good boy… but the only thing I did sitting on first bench is Sleep!. (And I sort of mastered it too). I asked her many times as why I should do some thing and her only answer is I should do it for her.

So far what ever I did was to keep my folks happy. If some thing makes them happy I just did it. Now that I am staying away from my folks and my mom/dad doesn’t understand the nature of my work. (The only thing they understand is a s/w engineer cos every idiot’s claim to fame in last one decade is though a s/w job). For some time I am trying to figure out as what else “I” can do to keep myself happy because so far I did for my folks happiness and now I am trying to figure out what I can do to keep myself happy.

I think few small things in life that make me happy are:
==> Being independent
==> Doing stuff on my own, be it cooking / household things
==> Working out regularly because it makes me feel energetic and fit.
==> Learn playing a keyboard (had been dreaming this for a long time, just skeptic if being deaf makes any sense for me to learn)
==> Watching movies / drama’s with subtitles and knowing lyrics of songs.
==> Making friends and meeting them
==> Playing with kids
==> Sharing knowledge
==> Learning new things

Guys, would appreciate if you could help me more in this regard.

Will try to eschew my laziness and post blogs on a regular basis. I am not promising any thing though. Bye Take care!

All about Boys and Gals

One thing I find about myself is I am a pathetic loser when it comes to matter of gals. I donno how to impress a gal Shucks! Every time I ever talk to a gal, there would be atleast 1 mistake I should not do is what my friends say. Mabbe probably this explains it all as why I am never seen in the company of a gal.


School: I was too shareef, rather very very shy to talk to girls.

10+2 : All maggu people……. all fun for these people is slogging harder. Though I had crush on a cpl of gals, my friends said they r far away from our league mama. Light tisko!

Graduation: Being good in acads …. Gals made me “bhai jaan mujhe bhi seeka dho mujhe kuch nahi aata..”…. Period graduation done

Post graduation: Ah! Nice campus and few head turners :P. If those few gals can head turn boys, I am equally good bet to make gals head turn on me :P. And I succeeded too. But never got close to anybody because I didn’t find anyone interesting. But always maintained good distance from gals. Liked one gal … but “she is booked boss” is what another friend tells. Period PG done.

MBA : aah very bad timing actually :(((((( missed the fun and golden days. My previous blog posts explain this all.

IBM : “Koi ladki single hai toh boldena” is the talk to town among boys ! :(.

Few Funda I learnt based on the KT I get from my friends in school, 10+2, graduation, PG and MBA are :

• If you ask a gal out for coffee, high probability she would interpret it as asking for a date. (Courtesy: colleague in IBM, of course a gal!)
• When asking a gal out on first time unless u have a level of comfy with her, never ask her out alone especially where there is a possibility of “highlight” (ie, if she is going to come alone it is a “highlight”). The best way to over come is ask 1 or 2 more gals who r common friends to join …. So that she doesn’t feel unease. Total give up solution I thought cos when I don’t have a single female friend to hang out where would I find other friends?.. (courtesy : A gal from graduation)
• Don’t ask a gal out for coffee… times have changed , get her attention the other way round. Ask her out on pretext of shopping for ur non-existent sister and grab the opportunity to spend time as much as u can after some fraud shopping and impress her. This is never going to happen ……… I am very bad at telling lies and defending myself :(. I end up caught very easily. (courtesy : A friend from school)
• “Dude you got a charm, you can floor any gal with ur cooking”. Just ask her to come home once and show ur culinary expertise. grrrrrrr when no gal is even interested to meet n see my face …. Asking her to come home for lunch / dinner is out of question. (Courtesy: Ex flat mate and friend from hell).
• Go and talk about pink and fancy stuff….. gals go gaga over it … flirt and make pun and always be at the service of the gal….. not 1 you will end up with 10. (Courtesy: the best known Casanova in my life. also happens to be my dear friend in college. For record he dated 6 gals at a time! (4 from Mukkafam jha coll and 2 from villa marie) and still managed to date all the gals for more than a yr with out the knowledge of other gals knowing). Flirting and me ……. Poles apart …… I m not fit for these.
• Just be yourself someone some where is made for u. teri number bhi lagega… hav patience. (courtesy : My cousins). Actually I am running out of my patience.... 27 and not a gf ever. And I am damn scared when my folks talk abt marriage and stuff. Cos I am shit scared to get married to some one whom I don’t know.


Mom n Bose version :

The gal I am going to get would be the luckiest person. If some one loses me it’s their loss. If some one is not interested in me, they are not worth pursuing cos its very tuff to find a person like me. All this is worth the wait.

I guess I am more like Chandler character in FRIENDS ….. a big looser, but still finds his love. Guess I too wd hopefully find soon, but this wait is making me tense…….

Arey yaar ... koi ladki se fitting kardona :)

Life takes new turns ...

I never knew nor believed in words like LUCK, DESTINY, GOD, FATE, but today I kind of realized the meaning of these words. My belief and confidence was my GOD. I believed I could write / create my own destiny and I could live my dreams, today I also realized that not all dreams can be realized. Living your dreams would take you away from path of reality and it would lead us no where.

I wish I had been wise enough to learn this lil earlier. In a week I would be turning 27 years, I learnt another major lesson in life i.e. to understand and respect others decision. There need not be a formal way of expressing some one’s decision. Its similar to saying silence speaks a million words. No matter how hard we try, there are few things which we cannot accomplish. Accepting and moving on is the only solution, I admit it now. It’s very hard and tuff for some one like me to admit this cos I never gave up any thing so easily that I want in life, I never mind even giving something a million more trails till I get what I wanted.

Two days ago, Kavin has told me that I am turning in to a total psycho with my adamant and stubborn attitude. He told me that I got only one life to live and I am wasting my time on things which are not worth it. Yes, I was kind of crazy about a gal for last 4.5 yrs and I had been trying to be friends with her at least. Since that’s not happening, Kavin was telling me to forget her and move on as its big time I realized that’s its not going anywhere. He was telling me that none of us can have every thing in life, and we should accept that decision made by nature (say god). I never believed that some one / something could over power me to control my destiny. He also sensed that I am afraid of loosing her, that’s why I am not putting any effort to meet / talk to her. I couldn’t convince myself about this but I told him that I would give my last try or give up.

Last night I happened to talk to Neta and Anshu online. I told Anshu about what Kavin has said the other day. Anshu agreed with what Kavin had said and he also added that I am too emotional and if the only way for her to be happy is without me then I need to understand and respect her decision and I need to accept it or I will get psychologically hurt. Mabbe she doesn’t want to be friends with me because she is afraid of hurting my feelings and she doesn’t want to pity me. I felt this as a very sound reasoning. I realized my mistake that I need to respect other’s decision and if some one is not interested then there is no point running after them. Neta too agreed that her silence is enough to understand which I hadn’t realized so far and any small kid could understand which I haven’t realized it so far. I felt so shocked and my mind became blank and numb and couldn’t sleep till wee hours of morning.

I believe that this is the end of it and I learnt my lesson. I guess its time I also move on with my own world. And I close this chapter of her in my life book here. Period.

Mission Impossible # 4

Ethan hunt, a character played by popular Hollywood star Tom Cruise is now being played by Vijay in the movie Mission Impossible # 4. Like all the previous series, this movie would also have the main character as Ethan Hunt (Played by Vijay) working for the services - IMF (Impossible Mission Force).

The plot of this involves a mission which is the most impossible task/mission for most normal souls. This new mission is more of mental than physical. It needs a lot of determination, tenacity and self belief for a considerable period of time (in fact constantly needed). It involves stretching your mental and physical limits beyond what one think is imaginable. The plot is aimed at young audience who always dream of some thing gr8 in imagination but hard to do in reality. Few questions might be raised as why Tom Cruise is replaced by Vijay in the MI sequel. The sole reason behind this is because he has previous real experience of similar mission in last decade :-). Well you can say … he had been there …done that etc ..

So here comes the main story:

Mission for Ethan Hunt: To shed weight / flab over his body to look fit. :D (surprised about name?? hehe .. ;) )

Well I believe getting rid of fat/ weight through liposuction / slimming centers is a losers strategy) be a real man … do it the real hard way.

My past experience with this: well I love cooking (and eating too), so obviously I cook a lot …. Eating follows….. My basic funda is never to throw away the food or store food for next meal. Atleast what I cooked. So I always ate irrespective of my appetite. When ever there is more food, I always increased my appetite by eating. Increased my stamina of eating more and adjusting…… and guess what? With a drum stick figure back in school weighing hardly 40kgs turned out to be some 90 kilos in next 3 yrs after I left school :-). Well other factors associated with my significant weight gain are:
1. I started eating chicken (I didn’t used to eat poultry much when I was in school, ate mostly Meat and that too rarely).
2. Once in college I was given daily pocket money :) thank my parents. Slowly I indulged in all junk food like burgers, pizzas, chicken 65, tandoori stuff, etc.
3. To top it all I also enjoyed my cooking … every day I used to cook and eat the junk outside too when ever possible. I also kind of saved my pocked money to buy chicken/meat and cook them.

Well nothing was more significant those days than eating, sleeping and a bit of studying (cos I took BPC group in 10+2).

Then when every guy around was commenting on me and my size then I made a resolution that I would get the best figure of every one….. Well I succeeded in my mission by the time I finished my graduation. I cut my 90kgs some thing weight to 66kgs flat in 10 months!!!

Well its no easy task. It needed two things - determination and tenacity (apart from controlling at temptation from food) which are normal attributes of mine in most of the things I want to do. Also successful things in life also come with a price (not necessarily monetary) ….. When you shed weight it increases your stress levels and it weakens your body stamina. I got pigmentation (white patches on skin) cos of this excessive stress. I had to stop cooking, eating and controlled my diet and had to take high vitamin and mineral supplements to recover from this pigmentation and had to stop thinking about any thing that leads to stress. The only solution is to relax. So the point to be learnt and taken is too much of any thing is too bad. Be it exercises or our diet.

It sounds surprising as why I wd like to go on this mission again. Well in last 5 yrs I have put another 15 kilos again :-). Cos back to bachelor life I am spending in Bangalore, I kill my free time in kitchen. And with not much physical activity and long sitting hours at work……… I am kind of putting weight again. But I am not bothered as how fat I might get. I take this as an opportunity to buy lotsa new clothes that fit to my new size. (Ya I remember someone saying that putting weight is a sign of prosperity).

But this makes me feel kinda odd when I sit in board room with my boss and partner who are very sharp and smart in their work and looks too. I too want to look fit like I was before. I have already stopped drinking and eating non veg food since April (wow! nearly 5 months… I should pat myself for this feat). Mom is glad that I am not drinking anymore.

Shucks! had it not been on health grounds for me to chuck drinking .. I would love to drink and cheer with friends and make merry at parties. And now I am contemplating of not cooking anymore so that I won’t eat more. But what to do, I don’t like eating outside often …… I find outside food total crap, unless I eat once in a while. I eat rolls / salads / fruits mostly when I eat outside these days.

My proposed plan of action to accomplish my mission is to hit gym regularly again and to be more disciplined about the intake of my food.
For breakfasts, I am confining to a bowl of cornflakes/muesli with dry fruits and milk.
For Lunch I planned on curd rice with a bowl of fruits / a veg crossiant/ dough nut with a bowl of fruits.
For dinner i have decided to make with either rotis or bread with soup.

I think this doesn’t lead me to cooking daily again and also doesn’t lead me to stressful regime of crash dieting. I hope I wd be successful in this mission. I have set myself a time line that by December this year I should have a fit body. I am really not bothered about my weight as long as I look fit :-).

The story behind my Happiness :)

For a long time I had been contemplating to post a blog. So many things have happened in past few months. And I guess this is the turning point of my life so far, at least after the sequence of events that happened in last 5-6 years.

In last 1 month there is a sea change in my attitude and spirit towards life. I am full of life and enjoying every moment of this precious life. I donno, if I am just over with a long stint of bad phase or I am just doing the right things.

Let me put the chronology of events that happened in last few months….

March:

A month of madness filled of fun with roomies and friends … became a habitual drunkard, drank every day almost and cooked meat /prawns daily. Guess the result of this I became obese.. I had a very good time other than at office. As usual my work sucked big time and was getting on my nerves. Was looking for a shift desperately…. Alas alack the markets began to fall and job market was in a bad shape. And none is ready to consider my work exp of my current job. I made a resolution that from next month onwards I wd change my priorities and wd start a new leash of disciplined and balanced healthy life style ie to stop drinking and stop eating non vegetarian for some time, at least till I cut down the flab over my stomach.

April:

Started with a trip to home for festival (Ugadi – Telugu’s New Year). I wanted to spend time with my loved ones and my boss didn’t agree for me working from home, even though I sit jobless and idle. Some time around 3.30pm on a Thursday I felt like going home, there weren’t any train / bus tickets. I checked out flight, the next flight is at 4.40pm. I felt a rush in me to go home in that flight and run as if life is calling. So applied leave and reached home by 3.50pm and packed my bags and rushed to airport by 4.15pm…. unfortunately the flight is full and no tickets available. Damn … felt like mabbe I am not destined to go home…. But I don’t want any shit come in between what I want to do, I was so determined …. I checked with the next flight. The very next one is at 5pm which is almost priced twice than the flight I planned of. Checked with other flight operators and their schedule… I found a flight scheduled at 5.30pm is affordable; and went Hyderabad.

Celebrated the gult new year with family and friends, got new clothes and as usual had been at my sarcastic best with family and friends. Told mom about the resolutions I made that I wont drink and eat non veg……. she said mabbe for today and tomorrow I could manage, that’s it and cant sustain it for more. She didn’t believe that I cud be so disciplined in these matters J.

Well after my trip back to Hyderabad, I made my self clear about my priorities like Health, Career, Family and Love in that order. I heeded to my doc friends advice to consult a Neurology specialist regarding the suspicion of a serious disorder over which I am worried about off late. I am scared about undergoing a genetic test. Cos a lot of my decisions on my future would be based on the outcome of this test. Plus I don’t want my parents to know any thing about this. I gathered courage and consulted a good neurologist in Bangalore. He asked me for a nerve biopsy first to ascertain the probable suspicion. Got admitted in Bhagwan Mahaveer hospital for the same and got the biopsy done. The hospital stay is another fun altogether (mabbe I wd post it in another blog). After the report the doctor rejected the suspicion but confirmed some other thing which is not as fatal as suspected by the doctors in Hyderabad. He said its HMSN and there is no treatment available and nothing much to worry as long as I stay positive in my outlook at life.

I was still little tense as how come one doctor suspects and another rejects …… I wanted a third opinion. Finally, I had put a major effort to go to NIMHANS (Asia’s best hospital for Neurology). Again this doctor wanted his own analysis and orders another list of tests…. Including reassessment of my audiology.

May:

The month started on a bad note with me getting admitted at Manipal hospital for a urinary infection. I came to hospital to undergo the test which the NIMHANS doctor has prescribed.. instead I got contact with infection during the test, hence test was cancelled. And was redone later. This is the most painful test I have ever undergone. (plz don’t ask me what they did. I bet u wd b scared after knowing). Well this hospital stay is another fun story with friends. And I didn’t inform about this too at my home. This time too the hospital stay along with friends is another fun part. The first 2 weeks of the month is bloody pain. My butt became a bed for syringes. Daily one antibiotic injection for 2 weeks and each cost 670 bucks L. (Thanks to insurance).

Slowly with health taking a major priority my job hunt became almost non existent. Well after my admission in hospital I became kinda weak. Took a medical leave for 1 week and went home, I didn’t had any other option but to tell at home that I got urinary infection and got admitted in hospital….. But this would scare mom, so I didn’t want to tell her straight forward. I told her other way round as usual that “Mom, nurses in hospital look too good to resist… just to befriend with a couple of them I got contacted with this infection and got admitted myself” ;) . But she didn’t buy what I said saying that I am not a fool to do such stupid things, but some how I just argued with her that nothing happened. Well as usual I was pampered at home during my stay. Mom took leave to be with me. And it was a good rejuvenating time.

Back to NIMHANS with report, It is normal. Doc wanted me to undergo few more tests for detailed examination. I told him about my predicament that I have changed a lot in last 5 yrs and not feeling confident like before cos of few things that have happened in the past and added to my worries this health thing is taking a toll on me. He advised me to see a psychiatrist.

Well, at my first session of psychiatric counseling the doctor was impressed with my qualities and character, from the initial screening he gave me feedback that he feels I won’t accept defeat or un acceptance of me with anyone. He was of the opinion that I am suffering from mild form of depression for a long time.

I discussed with the doctor about the sequence of events and what made me this way. It all started when I was in final yr of my MSc, there were so many domestic and financial troubles at home then and also there was a conflict between me, my bro and dad. Since then I was very tense and worried about these things. Post MSc when I got admit at IIM L. I was not sure as whether to join or not as I was totally worried about things at home, at the same time I kind of developed a liking for a gal. And I was so confused about my priorities – Family/Love. Career and health took total back seat. It was like family once and the very next day its love and I was totally confused about this and I hardly cared a fuck about my acads. And during my initial stay at IIML there were few very bad experiences and felt like discriminated and since then I started thinking very lowly of myself. Slowly with time I developed lot of low self esteem and my confidence was eroding day by day. And with low academic performance it even worsened my guilt. I never performed so poor atleast in acads in all my life till MSc.

With all this shit going on with me. I kind of expressed my feelings to a gal. She outrightly said no saying she got a bf. But instead I took this negatively as did she reject cos am I not a nice guy? or did she reject me cos I am sort of deaf?… and slowly all this kind of negative thinking cropped up and I screwed my self more. All this made my stay at IIML a very hard one. Then I became an insane daydreamer and blogged like a hopeless guy. I made my self more miserable than actually I was. Staying away from friends and mom made the things worse. The worst part is I couldn’t make any good friends at IIML for some time who could advice me/ cheer me up. After my first yr when I was told that I flunked. I couldn’t believe that I failed………… thot if it was a joke. I started to worry even more then. Later the only thing I said to myself is I did well in exam…. Didn’t do so bad that wd make me flunk. I started to blame my self too much that I am such a crap and doing bigger crap. Got back to campus for revaluation of my answer script. To my utter surprise my answer script was not evaluated completely … hence I got less score. But there was no revaluation clause in college and the circumstances didn’t allow me to get promoted to second yr. so had to restart every thing from scratch.

Things moved on and things at family front were getting better but I couldn’t recover completely from my debacle and past. However these circumstances made me stronger but my confidence levels/ self esteem haven’t improved. But there was always an imminent fear in me as what might happen? this kept me on toes most time. This led to lot of pressure in me to perform atleast for the time being. Then I gave up the family thing from my mind and concentrated mostly on acads front with half heart and with occasional love thing bugging me now and then. Some how rebuilt my confidence to some extent with bettering my acads and not thinking much. With a PPO before I passed out … it was a major relief for me.

Things at home were going perfectly fine by the time I passed out of IIM L and there were no more issues that I used to worry in the past. I felt kind of content ness and satisfaction that with time all bad/unfortunate things would heal. But back to job, I wasn’t liking my work and the way I am being utilized. This frustrated me and being a handicap not many firms would b inclined to hire me. This mental torture made my present life miserable.

After listening to all this, the psychiatrist gave me some medication on anti depressants, but I was in no mood to go the artificial way through medicines. But want to get a serious counseling that would help me over come my mood lapses. So a series of few more sessions of counseling is needed but they insisted me to take medicines as it wd help me.

June:

Finally, I gathered the courage to undergo genetic testing to know about the serious suspicion which doctors had. Gave my blood sample, and was told that I would get report after a month. In the due course I am also done with all the tests as requested by the doctor. The only new thing is my audiology reassessment, The professor at NIMHANS informed me that so far my problem is not diagnosed properly in last 16 yrs. Every audiologist to whom I went knows I have a hearing problem but none diagnosed it properly. He said that my ears are perfectly normal but somewhere between the ears and brain a nerve is not functioning properly. And its purely neurological weakness and so far there is no treatment available but he said he could help me by undertaking few discussion sessions on how to hear better. Sigh! A kind of relief. When he was counseling me I told him about myself and growing up that I always lived like any other kid and went to school like any other guy and did well in what ever I did with out any special treatment. And I did my acads and all purely on the basis of merit then how come I should accept that I am a disabled guy. He was impressed with my character and my struggle with life and upcoming, but said if I don’t accept the very fact that I have some hearing problem then I would be making my own life harder and there is nothing much any one could do. He also gave me some moral boost that acceptance of facts in life helps us move forward without any major hassles. His counseling made me feel lot better. I saw a valid point in his argument.

Well those anti depressants are such a pain medication, I felt sleeplessness with those and gave up after 4 days. Later when I went to psychiatrist for counseling I told him about the sleeplessness and I don’t want to continue the medication, but he said those medicine wd make me feel that way but they still want me to take up those. When I discussed about the same with my doctor friends they said it’s not good to take medication, So I gave up.

I got an opportunity to meet my CEO at office, I told him about the way things are going at my work, that I am under utilized and jobless most time and people find suspicious of my capabilities cos I am half deaf, hence no good work is being assigned to me commensurate with my qualification and skills. Since then things on work front improved and I was allowed to move out of SAP, which I am not at all interested.



July:

I got in to a new project and found it fairly interesting. I got the report on my genetic testing, the report rejected the suspicion as suspected before. Sigh! Another major relief. When I went to doctor with the report he gave me moral advice that despite so many problems I struggled and over came them successfully. No body in the world is perfectly fine, and he bet that I am as good as any one out. And there is nothing like handicap or health disorder thing cos, when there is no treatment available or nothing can be done, its better we forget and move forward in life and if we worry about a problem with no solution it would only make life harder and it would add to our troubles. He advised me to live like as if I haven’t got any problem in health and the hearing thing is a very minor one and there are so many things in life yet to look forward to and make most of them.

I felt a strong sense of happiness as if I never had been happy. I felt very very happy that I am going to be fine and that fucking suspicion was ruled out. Since that day I am trying to make most of life and what more …. I am enjoying my new assignment and liking my work and I am no more worried about health or family. I have nothing more to do than to be happy and enjoy life J. I feel like life starts for me now at 26. Well life is never late… every thing in life is worth the pain and wait ;).

Dream of a lifetime

I wish I am fortunate enuough to say this in my life time to the one I really love :


Honey, In all my life...
I never thought I would be so lucky.
As to...fall in love with someone....
I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it.
Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you,
You make me happier than I ever thought I could be.
And if you'll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way.

Honey, Will you marry me ?



Sorry, cant resist this ... i copied this from FRIENDS season 6, Episode 24. Its really one of the most romantic things i have ever heard with my deaf ears by reading the subtitles.

3 mental states in me

I think i have 3 states in me and how i feel of life in each such state...

When i am positive - Life is beautiful
realistic - Life is a traitor, it wd betray you some day
pessimistic - Life sucks!!


I think this sums up as how i think of the things ard me.